Monday, July 2, 2012

Nobody Likes A Quitter

                                     Catskills Motel.  The Author's Still Life. 1998

Recently, alcohol seems to be making the newspapers... 

People are asking questions about alcohol.  - Does it get you drunk?  Is drunk better than sober?  How can you tell when you're sober?  Serious questions.  People are concerned about their children getting drunk.  If children are drunk, who is going to smell the smoke and turn off the deep fat fryer at three in the morning? 

It's as if Irish people have just noticed alcohol for the first time.  It was there all along, never further than an arm's length away, but suddenly it's coming into focus.  All the time we were picking it up and putting it to our lips and swallowing it, but it never appeared to be a problem, until the newspapers noticed.

As an ex-drinker, I can honestly say that swallowing beer and wine and vodka was once as natural to me as breathing.  Of course, if you breath any of these things, it's known as drowning.  

A drink problem, in Ireland,  sometimes isn't detected until many years after you're dead. They'll say, "Do you remember Mouldy Martin?"
"I do?"
"What do you think it was that killed him?"
"That's a tough one."
"Was it the lion or the panther?"
"It was definitely a carnivore."
"The bite from the cobra certainly didn't help."
"He was most likely disoriented by the kick from the giraffe."
"I was tired of telling him not to take the shortcut home through the zoo."
"The big cats were surely attracted by the smell from the bag of fish and chips."
"And he was probably exhausted after wrestling that alligator..."

There will be no mention of the seventeen pints.  

I heard a man say, in a pub one night, "I think we'll all stop at the same time"  -  He was, of course, talking about closing time, but it scared every man around him.

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